I was walking up the courthouse steps, thinking about the trial I was about to start. I felt my heart racing. I was unnerved. I was nervous. My mind then wanted to examine what I was experiencing and what it meant. Here is what came to me. Everything just happen. After an event is over..it isn't long before everything feels just like its ok. I often make myself sick with an outcome.. but with time...its all somehow ok. It's like if you consider how something is before it happens you can go crazy.... and then, some how, after it happens, it all just fits somehow. Wow.
Before an event I am nervous and after the event I'm not. It's like I enter a zone of discomfort and then I'm on the outside of it after its over. So, during the event things happen in the strangest way and never like I think it would have. In other words, nothing ever happens the way I think it would have.
My thoughts beforehand are never realized, never. Things happen so fast and easy during the event and I'm in the event participating in ways I could not have imagined, and then its over.
The results are a surprise every single time. So, I'm talking about what its like before the event, during the event and after. Every event I've ever experienced goes just like I've talked about here. What it means is, I can never know whats going to happen. And it's always going to be ok...somehow.
I can be sure that what I think beforehand will never happen. The event will just do what it does and will surprise me every time. When its over, its like it was before, just like it fit. So what does that mean for me? It means I will always be nervous, I will disasterize the outcome and it will never happen that way.
I will not know how I will be during the event but will somehow participate fully and will be surprised at the outcome. And life will be just fit after its over. This means that my worrys will never happen exactly as I feared.
I will be wrong about all outcomes. I will participate fully. All will just fit after its over...That is how my life has been and will be in the future..Wow.
The shifting face of the ocean of being
It shifts and changes all day long
every day of our lives
At night the ocean dreams
and in the morning
lets us forget the night shift
we wake and have forgot
the ocean of being
as it lived as we slept..
Sometimes we are aware of the fullness
of something..some fullness inside..
Sometimes we know it as a fullness of joy.
at our child..at our mother..
Full up of some richness...we call love
Sometimes we are full of a sense of rage
a powerful storm of darkness smashing everything
inside and outside of us..its huge..Awesome..dangerous
We break what we love, what we liked,
and what we found joy in..
In the moments before..
The sudden darkening of our world
and some outrage without a bare name.
no name, but breaking every name..
lashing out in in wild swings of worrds..of belts..of
swinging fists of words.
Alligator man biting everything..
And then, we see the carnage wrought
the tears and fears we left
in the rage of it..
And on their faces perplexities and horror
at the darkness seen on our face just
moments before..on our grotesque face..our face.
The face of the ocean of being inside us
it talks...its ever changing
creations kalidiascope...thats what we are
if you want to know..
thats what we are..
A funnel through which creation
takes its shapes and rips its tides
rattling our cages...trembling us with
love, hate, wonder, wanting, dreaming, worrying, full of doing,
being, that is doing...and changing our faces as it
confusing us, maddening us, wondering us, blinding us
and binding us to its seasons...mortals, fools, toy things
to smash and be smashed, to kiss and be kissed, to be, in a word
Created! Destroyed! and so very, very alive!!
Who am I...the I is creation itself calling out "I am!"
Some given name..what a beautiful stunnning dream that I am
the name I..
Just as well call that breath of wind you see...I!
Feel it on your face..call it I as well
for that is what we are..
a breath moving and calling what it does living..thinking, feeling!
Its but a breath of it...a breath of the ocean of being....a wave..
a wavelet...a bubble of it as it sweeps back into the sea of itself...
we are all at and in the sea of it.
calling our little part of it a separate name..
the home of the ocean of being
always home in it...of it.
The great soul of it...In silence I am the sould of it
Full then...no words...full..it is beyond good and bad,
the names we call out and use when
we are asleep in the world of words and wants and fears
When the ocean of soul..the ocean of being is forgotten
as we are being tossed about in it..
Where am I....what is this...who are you...
what is that...drunken in language....asleep..
oh loss of soul oh loss of stillness in the ocean of being.
loss of wakefullness of the ocean of being..my home.