I was walking up the courthouse steps, thinking about the trial I was about to start. I felt my heart racing. I was unnerved. I was nervous. My mind then wanted to examine what I was experiencing and what it meant. Here is what came to me. Everything just happen. After an event is over..it isn't long before everything feels just like its ok. I often make myself sick with an outcome.. but with time...its all somehow ok. It's like if you consider how something is before it happens you can go crazy.... and then, some how, after it happens, it all just fits somehow. Wow.
Before an event I am nervous and after the event I'm not. It's like I enter a zone of discomfort and then I'm on the outside of it after its over. So, during the event things happen in the strangest way and never like I think it would have. In other words, nothing ever happens the way I think it would have.
My thoughts beforehand are never realized, never. Things happen so fast and easy during the event and I'm in the event participating in ways I could not have imagined, and then its over.
The results are a surprise every single time. So, I'm talking about what its like before the event, during the event and after. Every event I've ever experienced goes just like I've talked about here. What it means is, I can never know whats going to happen. And it's always going to be ok...somehow.
I can be sure that what I think beforehand will never happen. The event will just do what it does and will surprise me every time. When its over, its like it was before, just like it fit. So what does that mean for me? It means I will always be nervous, I will disasterize the outcome and it will never happen that way.
I will not know how I will be during the event but will somehow participate fully and will be surprised at the outcome. And life will be just fit after its over. This means that my worrys will never happen exactly as I feared.
I will be wrong about all outcomes. I will participate fully. All will just fit after its over...That is how my life has been and will be in the future..Wow. |
